Tag Archives: Oliver James

Does the UK Government Know Anything about the Needs of Children? A Guest Blog by Oliver James

Despite the posed pictures of her pushing a baby in a pram (I wonder if its hers?), Liz Truss, the minister for education and childcare, has made it abundantly clear that she knows bog all about small children.

Her starter for one was the proposal that ratios of minders and daycare to children should be increased. As Polly Toynbee amusingly pointed out, minders are supposed to take their charges out of the home once a day. Polly laid down a challenge to Truss: let’s see you take two babies and four under-threes out to the park.

cribs

Not satisfied with having put daycare nursery profits ahead of the needs of children, Truss then weighed in with a demand for our nurseries to be highly structured in their daily schedules. This would increase the educational value of the places (as is supposed to be the case in France, a country which has a negligent attitude to the needs of under-threes – mothers getting their figures back is put ahead of meeting the needs of neonates). Clearly, Truss has no idea that, for under-threes, play is the only really worthwhile activitiy. The words ‘structured’ and ‘play’ are as absurd when conjoined as the words ‘be spontaneous’. If an activity is structured externally, for a two year old, it ceases to be play.

Truss is a symptom of a much wider malaise. Very few, if any, of our present Ruling Elite have ever spent extended periods caring for under-threes. Speaking anecdotally, I would guess that very few of their partners have done so either – a high proportion of MPs or CEOs have partners who are also workaholic killer-drillers. They leave it to others to do the ‘boring’, ‘repetitive’ task of caring for small children. I have several times proposed that no MP should be admitted who has not spent at least one year looking after and under-three year old for at least one year. That would sort the negligent goats from the compassionate sheep.

What is more, as was so graphically illustrated by the recent documentary featuring Boris Johnson, a great many of the Ruling Elite were severely deprived of responsive, loving care in their early years. Small wonder then, that they have so little understanding of under-threes’ needs. In fact, they are allergic to meeting those needs. I would go further: they think ‘nobody loved me, why should under-threes get the care I was deprived of?’ Put bluntly, deep down, it gives the Ruling Elite pleasure to see under-threes being deprived of love and responsive care.

By Oliver James

Oliver James is the author of Love Bombing – Reset your child’s emotional thermostat

(Karnac Books).

Oliver will be speaking at the forthcoming International Parenting Conference to be held at Cambridge University on July 20th and 21st. For more information about the conference, or to book a ticket to hear Oliver speak, please click HERE.

Love Bombing – A Guest Blog by Oliver James

This blog post has been written by Oliver James, psychologist, Guardian columnist and author. His books include ‘Affluenza’ and ‘How Not to F*** Them Up’.

Here Oliver describes the subject matter of his latest book ‘Love Bombing: Reset Your Child’s Emotional Thermostat’ – having had the benefit of trying Oliver’s Love Bombing technique with my own son (see THIS POST) I can heartily recommend this book if you are struggling with your child’s behaviour.

lbbook

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nine year old Tim hated himself, he told his mum Marianne he was ‘rubbish’ at everything and became more threatening towards his talented older sister.

Marianne was at her wits’ end, having tried everything suggested by her son’s GP and teacher, including a stricter punishment regime. My advice was to try the opposite – a technique called Love Bombing.

It entails giving your child a very intense, condensed experience of feeling completely loved and completely in control. It works best with children aged three to the onset of puberty and can be applied to depressive children such as Tim, as well as classic cases of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or when a child is aggressively defiant. It also works well for shyness or academic underachievement. But there does not have to be any ‘problem’, it would improve the well-being of both parent and child in almost every case – over 100 parents have done it (put ‘love bombing oliver james’ into google to see thousands of threads).

Interestingly, a significant number of the parents who found it useful had used strict routines with their babies or toddlers. They reported feeling that the Love Bombing seemed to reset their child’s emotional thermostats as well as enabling them to parent in a more loving and effective fashion (for a more detailed account click HERE and for my view that strict routines with babies are harmful click HERE).

The child is told that they are going to have a period when they can do whatever they like, within reason. during this time, they have the exclusive attention of a parent. the child is in charge of where they go and what they do, including meals and bedtimes, and told he or she is loved, along with lots of cuddles, as often as possible. The period can be 48 hours, a single day or shorter bursts. Whatever the duration, the experience needs to be rekindled daily for half an hour for lasting effects.

Perhaps surprisingly, children are more willing to accept boundaries afterwards. the opposite of stricter discipline is often what is required when a child is playing up. they are feeling needy and deprived, loveless and powerless. Give them an intense period of feeling loved and in control, and the neediness and anger dissolve.

Almost all the arents who have done it report a more biddable, calmer child. parents who have been sucked into a nagging, niggling pattern become more authoritative.

Marianne took Tim away for 48 hours to a hotel. he chose it and they spent time watching TV and messing about. a week later she said, ‘it definitely worked. so far we haven’t had any major unhappiness.’ eighteen months on, the self-loathing was extinguished. tim recalled, ‘the best bit was just being alone with my mum.’

As part of a professional couple Marianne could afford a hotel. but dozens of parents have found ways of doing love bombing that require little or no cost.

It might sound like just spending ‘quality time’. this is something entirely different. Going that extra mile into the love bombing zone can save you a huge amount of grief – and it can be a whole lot of fun.

ojbc

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To learn more about Oliver’s Love Bombing technique visit www.lovebombing.info.

Oliver will be speaking about Love Bombing at the BabyCalm & ToddlerCalm 2013 International Conference next year, for more information or if you would like to book a ticket visit the conference website HERE.

‘Love Bombing: Reset Your Child’s Emotional Thermostat’ is published by Karnac Bookson Friday 28th September 2012, £9.99